“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” – Jamie Anderson
For the past four months, I’ve done the same thing every morning. I roll out of bed and reach for one of my father’s plaid shirts. They still smell like him and hang just a bit loose on my shoulders, and for a moment, I remember the warmth of his hugs. More importantly, I let myself feel the weight of my loss.
My dad passed in July of this year, and I’ve learned so much about grief in the days and months since. Our society is so grief illiterate—it wants to distance itself from anything sad or uncomfortable. Any experience that comes with grief—a breakup, a divorce, job loss are all treated with the same approach. We tell others, and even ourselves, to quit “dwelling on it” or “wallowing in it.” We treat grief as if it’s contagious, acting as if we might catch it if someone close to us grieves too publicly or for too long. When we’re grieving ourselves, we try to keep our emotions tucked away, so as not to air our dirty laundry.
I felt that tug too; talking about my grief was so hard. I felt the pressure to be over it, or to present as if I were. But grief is not dirty laundry. It’s not something to feel shame over, or even something you can or should just get over. As author Jamie Anderson writes, Grief is actually love with no place to go. That means there’s no timeline on your grief. While the outside world may be desperate for you to get over it, you don’t have to rush it. In fact, you can’t.
We can’t heal what we don’t feel. And that means it’s so important to make space for grief in our lives, our own and others’. If you’re grieving today—whether from a loss you experienced ten days ago or ten years back—or know someone who is, this post is for you.
Today, I’m sharing some of the concepts and resources that have resonated with me from experts in grief. I hope they bring you comfort, or help you comfort someone else. And if they don’t, that’s okay too. When it comes to grief, there are no rules, no right or wrong way to do it. But we find meaning when we see our pain reflected in others, when we feel seen. If you take nothing else from this post, know that I see you. When we talk about and normalize grief, it opens the door for others to do the same. When one of us heals, we all begin to heal.
I loved Glennon Doyle’s interview with Marisa Renee Lee, a grief advocate, entrepreneur, and forthcoming author on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast. Lee gives wonderful advice for those of us in the thick of it. She suggests that we all normalize the truth around grief and end of life, so that when it happens to you, you’ll feel okay with the experience. But the goal here isn’t to prepare; we can’t. Preparing is all about control, and none of us can control love—what grief really is. But we can be together in it. We can seek out safe places and people with whom we can comfortably express our grief.
Setting expectations can help. You may not be able to show up as the person you used to be. As my dad was dying, I found myself trying to manage my emotions while caring for him, working full-time, and raising a child—all while the world expected me to maintain productivity. But when I opened up on social media, I gave myself permission to show up differently, and sometimes inconsistently—to take space when I needed it and occasionally disappear.
Today, I’m not the same person I was before my dad died. I’m Jesyka without her dad in the world, and that’s a huge transformation. Recognizing it has helped me heal, along with the work of David Kessler, a grief expert and co-author of the iconic On Grief and Grieving. On his Spotify podcast, Healing with David Kessler, he engages in conversation with grief experts and those who have grieved their own losses to explore ways to heal.
In his conversation with Marianne Williamson, a best-selling author and spiritual teacher, Williamson explains that while major losses make you a part of a club no one wants to be in, death and grief have their benefits: Death teaches us to grow up, and grief can make us better people, helping us us tend to the grief of others more effectively.
Kessler also spoke to psychologist, best-selling author, and Holocaust survivor Dr. Edith Eger about love, suffering, and liberation. Her points about what to do with the pain of grief resonated most with me. Dr. Eger shared that we all have the opportunity to evolve, rather than revolve. Ask yourself if you’re stuck in repetitive circumstances, or repetitive thinking. While you may have been victimized in the past, you are not a victim. Who you are is so much more than that. But to work through it all, we can’t hold it in. According to Dr. Eger, the opposite of depression is expression. What comes out of us does not make us sick; what stays in us does. Consider this permission to let your feelings out.
How do you support someone close to you who’s grieving?
In “What to Say to Grieving Friends and Family,” Kessler shares important insights on how to support someone in grief. They want to know exactly what to say, how to make it better. But, as Kessler explains, people in grief want to be witnessed, not fixed. We want people to meet us where we are, to just see us as we are. With that in mind, be supportive, but don’t try to solve. When you attempt to fix it, you’re making it about your discomfort, not their pain. Don’t “brightside,” or turn to toxic positivity—sentences that start with “at least” or “just be grateful” are off limits, along with judgments and attempts to minimize or compare.
Do ask what you can do for them. The simple stuff—offering to drop off dinner or care for a child—can make a tremendous difference. Finally, the best thing you can offer is often sitting with them, just holding space. Your presence can mean the world to them (it has for me!).
When it comes to childhood grief, Good Morning America and ABC News correspondent and son of Christopher Reeve, explains how to navigate loss with a little one. This episode was particularly meaningful for me, as Eukiah is grieving his Baba so much. Reeve says that kids are like puddle jumpers, hopping in and out of grief. As adults, we can support that. Follow their lead. Don’t prioritize therapy over normal life things they enjoy (like soccer practice).
Finally, know that when you let grief unfold, for yourself or for others, you’re doing something powerful—something that society has failed to do. You’re making room for love. And that has the potential to change lives.